got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
