im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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