She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dignity is for republicans.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
