I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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