Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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