The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
