I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
