I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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