It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
