btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
