So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
