I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
