So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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