Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
