on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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