I am spending my child support on dildos
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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