Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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