thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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