For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
