I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
