Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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