Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
