my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
