I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
