the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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