Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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