I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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