yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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