I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
