thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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