I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
