Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
