yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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