Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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