so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
