I need to stop coming to work sober
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Found the puke drawer
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
