my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
