Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
