She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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