he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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