My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
