Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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