Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
