I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
