I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
