I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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