We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
