Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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