Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
how can u be prego again
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
