I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
